Accumulative Grief
Dr. Donna J Mann
I recently received an email from a friend. "What a spring! I just made a list of all the stresses we've had." She listed fourteen different relationships affected by some degree of loss. People she knew well and loved deeply had either died, were taking chemotherapy, had had major surgery or were losing sight of active life in some way.We often miss the fact that for the most part, many of us are dealing with loss and are in different phases of grief at any time in our life. For some, it seems that 'it never rains but it pours'. When the telephone rings, we are not surprised to hear about some other area of loss. One example of on-going grief is found among those folk who live in a small town and know many people. It is natural for them to attend local funerals. Their relationships thread through many generations in the community and are affected by on-going loss.What happens to us when we grieve continually? Too easily, we trade off much needed emotional energy and time. We require those resources to strengthen ourselves to cope with consistent loss. In the interest and desire to care for others in grief, we often starve ourselves of necessary nurture. The key is not to quit caring, but to find ways to care so that we do not deplete ourselves of the spirit of life. By her own admission, my friend has some grief work to do. Moreover, this spring won't have been the only time in her life when she has had numerous experiences of loss in relationships and situations - perhaps too many to give individual attention as needed.A helpful image when thinking about accumulative grief is a cluster of grapes. The stress we feel, with any given situation, is enhanced by unresolved feelings from other times of loss. Sometimes we think we are dealing only with the immediate grief experiences when in fact these feelings serve to remind us of other people and situations where grief still lies unresolved. Thus: a cluster of grapes.For my friend to remain strong and sustain a degree of personal peace while she relates to fourteen different relational situations, she may need to take some special time for herself. She will need to be selective in order to give her life some balance. She might decide to set herself apart for a short period to be filled up in order to give to others when needed. She might begin to work through some personal grief issues beginning with the immediate losses. Bottom line: "Be good to self" Remember to nurture yourself as easily as you give to others. ======================
